The Hospital Experience.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely struck by fear? Fear of not knowing. 

If you ever visit the doctor it's because you don't know what's wrong with you and you want to know. You may have a fair idea but really if it seems minor to you then you don't expect to be sent to A&E. This is what happened to me today.

I go along to the open surgery in my GP in Bangor, I'm there from 8:15am I just plan on getting an antibiotic or some advice for my chest pain. Little did I know the news that awaited me. I go into the GP's office and explain my symptoms, shortness of breath, pain in my right side when I breathe in, dry cough etc. The doctor listens to my chest. Nothing. Pokes at my side where it's sore. Nothing. Takes my pulse and it's 94. You might have a blood clot in your lung. Your heart is racing and you are showing all the signs of having one, I'm sending you to A&E. The GP types out the letter for the A&E doctors. When I got out of the office I was panicking, on the verge of crying, then I read the letter. At the top it says, "Urgency: STAT - see patiant ASAP." This is when I go into full scale panic mode. I start crying as I'm driving my car home. I wonder what my body is doing. What caused this? 

I arrive home, crying. First thing I do is go into my mum and dad:
"Can one of you take me to A&E please?" 
"Why? What's wrong?"
"The doctor said I might have a blood clot." 

All of what I say is through my tears, sheer panic and what would happen if I actually had a blood clot? This can be fatal, I could potentially die from this. I immediately went for the worst because I didn't know how to deal with it. Mum cancels her plans for the day and takes me up to A&E. 

I don't have to wait long to be seen because I was "urgent." They took my blood pressure, pulse and temperature. Pulse is still unusually high but blood pressure and temperature are fine. I get ordered an ECG - the nurse described it as a heart rate scan. So now they think it's something to do with my heart? I'm losing all hope of actually being well at this point. There must be something wrong and I don't know what I'll do if there is. I've never had something wrong with me before. I get my ECG and they tell me nothing after it's been done, they even take 2 while they're there. I'm sent to the waiting room again. After a short wait I'm taken into another cubical with a proper bed, this time they want to take my blood, I've never had a blood test either so I told the doctor all about what I was doing this year to distract myself. After this I was sent for a chest X-ray to see if there was anything they could see wrong my ribs, lungs or heart. After this there was a long wait for results in the waiting room. Everything is running through my mind, what happens if I do have something wrong with my lungs or heart? What happens then? Or what if there's nothing wrong, this has all been a waste of time. Blood results take about 1 hour 20 mins. My name is called, I see tablets sitting on the table, crap. This can't be good. I look closer, Paracetamol and Ibuprofen. Hm. The doctor tells me that everything is fine, no sign of infection or blood clot and my ECG results are fine. Biggest relief in my life so far. She tells me I've pulled muscles in my ribs, so just where its sore and to take pain killers to make life more comfortable. 

I text and let people know I'm okay. It's okay. False alarm. I had a whole bunch of people praying for me while I was in hospital, and I appreciate that. I thank God that I'm okay. I jumped to the negative when the doctor said, "blood clot." All I know is that they can kill you. And that's it. It's serious. I can't deal with that. But, God's bigger. God's a healer. I prayed for protection through each examination. And clearly, prayer works.






 

Reality

She's back. She hopes it's for good but she has her doubts. The shadow is chasing her but her bailer sticks by her. The bailer has this book he's written, some call it The Word. On her phone, she gets this book. Opens the app, sees a plan. Prayer sticks out. She looks at the plan. Sees a book, it's named after a man called Matthew. Strange for a book to be given a human name. A specific point in this book talks about this word prayer. It tells her how to do it. The way that will honor her bailer. "It is simple," she thinks to herself. It'll help her. 

She prays. She finds herself in a conversation with her bailer. She feels a fizz in her body, cascading down her spine. This frightens her but a small voice in her head whispers gently, "it's me!" She feels reassured and continues to talk to her bailer. 

As she continues in every day life, she has hurdles to jump over. The bailer lets her jump them but is quick to pick her up when she stumbles and falls on one. These hurdles, they aren't normal. They're black and red. Not only do they look dark but they have an uneasy feel about them. The shadow lingers around the hurdles, waiting for her to stumble. It'll consume her again if she can't get up. She's persevering. Running the race. The bailer carries her when she gets tired or if she falls. Only if she lets him.

The Cell Story.

In a prison cell, crippled on the floor by an uneasy shadow. 

I know I need to stop. Am I ready yet? I know my bailer. He's waiting at my cell door. He knocks and opens it. Arms wide, welcoming and forgiving. Can I get up? Can I take those vital steps into his arms? I've decided before, I can't and shut the door in his face. Now, he patiently waits outside, knocking every so often, but this time he's waiting, opened the door beckoning me forward, encouraging me, "Come on child, I'll release you." 

I'm a child, scared. I have that feeling in my chest, shocks run through my as I look into my bailer's eyes. They look on me with compassion, sorrow for seeing a child crippled by a shadow. This dark growth on her, he saw it increase and now, even the shadow fears the bailer. The bailer is wearing pure white, glowing as the sunlight hits him and shocks my pupils as they adjust to the light. Darkness had consumed this child. She stands up to make her first few steps, she struggles, she falls. The shadow trys to come into the light but it stings the shadow. There cannot be darkness in the light. The child takes steps towards the bailer. She embraces him and he's walking her out of the jail, slowly. She won't get shocked or panicked but eased back into reality. Once she reaches outside, she sees people walking around with the exact same bailer - he's everywhere! 

She drifts, he guides. Gently steering her shoulders along the path.