The Hospital Experience.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely struck by fear? Fear of not knowing. 

If you ever visit the doctor it's because you don't know what's wrong with you and you want to know. You may have a fair idea but really if it seems minor to you then you don't expect to be sent to A&E. This is what happened to me today.

I go along to the open surgery in my GP in Bangor, I'm there from 8:15am I just plan on getting an antibiotic or some advice for my chest pain. Little did I know the news that awaited me. I go into the GP's office and explain my symptoms, shortness of breath, pain in my right side when I breathe in, dry cough etc. The doctor listens to my chest. Nothing. Pokes at my side where it's sore. Nothing. Takes my pulse and it's 94. You might have a blood clot in your lung. Your heart is racing and you are showing all the signs of having one, I'm sending you to A&E. The GP types out the letter for the A&E doctors. When I got out of the office I was panicking, on the verge of crying, then I read the letter. At the top it says, "Urgency: STAT - see patiant ASAP." This is when I go into full scale panic mode. I start crying as I'm driving my car home. I wonder what my body is doing. What caused this? 

I arrive home, crying. First thing I do is go into my mum and dad:
"Can one of you take me to A&E please?" 
"Why? What's wrong?"
"The doctor said I might have a blood clot." 

All of what I say is through my tears, sheer panic and what would happen if I actually had a blood clot? This can be fatal, I could potentially die from this. I immediately went for the worst because I didn't know how to deal with it. Mum cancels her plans for the day and takes me up to A&E. 

I don't have to wait long to be seen because I was "urgent." They took my blood pressure, pulse and temperature. Pulse is still unusually high but blood pressure and temperature are fine. I get ordered an ECG - the nurse described it as a heart rate scan. So now they think it's something to do with my heart? I'm losing all hope of actually being well at this point. There must be something wrong and I don't know what I'll do if there is. I've never had something wrong with me before. I get my ECG and they tell me nothing after it's been done, they even take 2 while they're there. I'm sent to the waiting room again. After a short wait I'm taken into another cubical with a proper bed, this time they want to take my blood, I've never had a blood test either so I told the doctor all about what I was doing this year to distract myself. After this I was sent for a chest X-ray to see if there was anything they could see wrong my ribs, lungs or heart. After this there was a long wait for results in the waiting room. Everything is running through my mind, what happens if I do have something wrong with my lungs or heart? What happens then? Or what if there's nothing wrong, this has all been a waste of time. Blood results take about 1 hour 20 mins. My name is called, I see tablets sitting on the table, crap. This can't be good. I look closer, Paracetamol and Ibuprofen. Hm. The doctor tells me that everything is fine, no sign of infection or blood clot and my ECG results are fine. Biggest relief in my life so far. She tells me I've pulled muscles in my ribs, so just where its sore and to take pain killers to make life more comfortable. 

I text and let people know I'm okay. It's okay. False alarm. I had a whole bunch of people praying for me while I was in hospital, and I appreciate that. I thank God that I'm okay. I jumped to the negative when the doctor said, "blood clot." All I know is that they can kill you. And that's it. It's serious. I can't deal with that. But, God's bigger. God's a healer. I prayed for protection through each examination. And clearly, prayer works.






 

Reality

She's back. She hopes it's for good but she has her doubts. The shadow is chasing her but her bailer sticks by her. The bailer has this book he's written, some call it The Word. On her phone, she gets this book. Opens the app, sees a plan. Prayer sticks out. She looks at the plan. Sees a book, it's named after a man called Matthew. Strange for a book to be given a human name. A specific point in this book talks about this word prayer. It tells her how to do it. The way that will honor her bailer. "It is simple," she thinks to herself. It'll help her. 

She prays. She finds herself in a conversation with her bailer. She feels a fizz in her body, cascading down her spine. This frightens her but a small voice in her head whispers gently, "it's me!" She feels reassured and continues to talk to her bailer. 

As she continues in every day life, she has hurdles to jump over. The bailer lets her jump them but is quick to pick her up when she stumbles and falls on one. These hurdles, they aren't normal. They're black and red. Not only do they look dark but they have an uneasy feel about them. The shadow lingers around the hurdles, waiting for her to stumble. It'll consume her again if she can't get up. She's persevering. Running the race. The bailer carries her when she gets tired or if she falls. Only if she lets him.

The Cell Story.

In a prison cell, crippled on the floor by an uneasy shadow. 

I know I need to stop. Am I ready yet? I know my bailer. He's waiting at my cell door. He knocks and opens it. Arms wide, welcoming and forgiving. Can I get up? Can I take those vital steps into his arms? I've decided before, I can't and shut the door in his face. Now, he patiently waits outside, knocking every so often, but this time he's waiting, opened the door beckoning me forward, encouraging me, "Come on child, I'll release you." 

I'm a child, scared. I have that feeling in my chest, shocks run through my as I look into my bailer's eyes. They look on me with compassion, sorrow for seeing a child crippled by a shadow. This dark growth on her, he saw it increase and now, even the shadow fears the bailer. The bailer is wearing pure white, glowing as the sunlight hits him and shocks my pupils as they adjust to the light. Darkness had consumed this child. She stands up to make her first few steps, she struggles, she falls. The shadow trys to come into the light but it stings the shadow. There cannot be darkness in the light. The child takes steps towards the bailer. She embraces him and he's walking her out of the jail, slowly. She won't get shocked or panicked but eased back into reality. Once she reaches outside, she sees people walking around with the exact same bailer - he's everywhere! 

She drifts, he guides. Gently steering her shoulders along the path. 

How do you see Jesus?

Jesus is a man we often look at as peaceful and graceful, loving and gentle. While he is all these things, above all, he is passionate. Jesus got angry, he got upset, the famous verse, "Jesus wept." John 11:35. He cared so deeply for Lazarus that he wept for him! I don't think any word can describe Jesus better than passionate. 

The side some churches don't like to look into is the side where Jesus got angry. Yes, that's right Jesus got angry. For all the right reasons though. In Mark 3:1-6 Jesus heals a man with a crippled hand on the Sabbath. Now, Pharisees being Pharisees were just looking to try and say Jesus was just wrong. People gathered around Jesus watching Him do miracles and teaching, on this particular day, He gets the view of the people, "'What kind of action suits the Sabbath best? Doing good or doing evil? Helping people or leaving them helpless?' No one said a word." vs:4. The people said nothing, I see this as them being shocked or confused. But it says to rest on the Sabbath, certainly Jesus cannot heal someone on the Sabbath, then again it would be wrong to leave the man helpless! In verse 5 it says, "He looked them in the eye, one after another, angry now, furious at their hard-nosed religion." Jesus was angry. Furious. After this the Pharisees cleared off because they were pretty angry at Jesus going against religion. Jesus clearly doesn't like religion. Jesus showed religion up! 

Another instance when Jesus got angry was when He found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, He also finds loan sharks there too (John 2:14 MSG). Jesus made a whip (pretty bad ass if you ask me) and chased them out of the temple, upending tables of the loan sharks! Jesus was passionate. Imagine this scene now, in the 21st century. People selling phones and payday loan people in a church, then Jesus walks in, sees this and makes a whip and starts turning over tables, making a whole scene in the church. If you witnessed this what would you think of Jesus? Because some churches don't teach this side of Jesus most people would be like, "certainly this can't be right for Jesus to be doing, he should be peaceful and calm!" It's just the way we've been taught. What we've been brought up with. 

How do you see Jesus? Is it the full picture or just this image that's been created for you? Can you say you know Jesus and are in a relationship with Him if you don't know the full spectrum of His personality? 

It's a thinker.

Charlotte x

Who needs help?

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but those who are ill."

There couldn't be a more true statement really. The guy who said this was Jesus. This was in response to the Pharisees asking why Jesus was eating with sinners. I wonder if people ever think this of me. In fact I know people do. They wonder why I work with kids who are "bad." Well, do you want me to just go where I'm not really providing anything for anyone ? The people I'm working with are the ones who need it! 

I am actually loving my work here. I'm now over the awkward getting to know the youth stage and actually, some of them have started to talk to me about important stuff rather than just how they fancy this boy or she's been mean to her. I love hearing anything they have to say but it's really great when you can be that ear that'll listen, to a young girl who is crying out for someone to talk to, she may need a little bit of a push but really, when she gets talking the true feelings just come out. 

I guess the saying, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" is true. My apple has to be the Bible to keep me anchored. I know for a fact, if I don't read the Bible I'll start to stray. The only way I find I can stay on track is to read the bible every day. Even if it's just a verse! I love to have a thought from the Bible that keeps me going every day. This verse reminds me why I'm here. Why I'm working with these young people! I'm not saying I'm the answer to all their problems but if I can be of help to even one young girl this year, that's enough for me. How ever many girls God gives me to be an ear to listen to, I'm willing to listen and invest in.

Charlotte x  

What fills your mind?

Think.Think.Think.Think.

What are you thinking about as you read this sentence, GO, I dare you to search your own mind. What's really going on in there? 

I recently looked into what I thought about myself. It turns out not very much. It's part of a Bible reading plan I'm doing, fining my own worth. Since Romania, I have gained weight and that I am not comfortable with, I have never been comfortable with gaining weight even if it seems healthy. This is what I'm reminded of every day, I look in the mirror and I see what I've done to myself. "Get yourself back." That's what my head is saying. My heart is saying, "Charlotte, God loves you no matter what. You know this so stop saying these things to yourself and see that you have worth." Apparently my heart can be right sometimes.

Many thoughts go through our heads each day. What is your dominant thought? Is it money? Sex? God? Your partner? I don't know what you're thinking but I'm asking you, if you dare, search yourself. You'll find some really interesting, maybe encouraging, maybe discouraging stuff. You'll see things you won't see unless you really, really search. Become friends within yourself, you'll see where you need to improve, where you need to find confidence, where you is really you.

I'm working on it. I'm really working on it. I've discovered that I want to be toned, not skinny. Healthy looking, not like I have an eating disorder. People always used to remark on how skinny I was. My dance teacher told me I was too skinny once. I never gained weight. Now I have and I don't know how to deal with it but I am and I know God loves me just as I am. 

I guess my message is that God loves you no matter what your head is filled with. You just need to search your heart and find if you have captured God's heart in your thoughts, if not then maybe that's something that needs work. Just my opinion.

Many night time thoughts,

Charlotte x    

 

Week 1: Town of the monks.

Well, I've been here almost a week now and life in Monkstown is very different to life in glorious Bangor. To be honest I'm enjoying living away from home, it feels like I've got a lot more freedom and independence to do what I want to do and not be restricted by time limits or having to answer to anyone about anything and everything I do outside of the house.

While being here I've been praying about what to do next year and I have a few options although I am struggling with what to do. My parents are also wondering what I'm doing next year which is fair enough but they aren't satisfied with the answer "I don't know." This is the only answer I can give because I'm still wondering myself what I'll be doing and I cannot prepare myself for it unless I know what I'll actually be doing. I want to get out of Northern Ireland, it's such a small country and everything seems so happy and comfortable here, too comfortable to just go to university and live in Bangor for the rest of my life. That's something I definitely don't want to do, live in Bangor for the rest of my life! Or Northern Ireland for that matter. Somewhere else would be great, even better if it was outside the UK but hey, we'll see what happens.

This week we've been meeting the youth in Monkstown by attending the drop ins which are great to get kids off the streets doing goodness knows what! The youth that come in are all from the estate and they seem to be great fun and obviously very passionate about fifa and pool! I'm going to be with the girls here and I want to get to know them a bit more before I go and start up stuff with them. I've been chatting to them, hearing about school life and their families which is always a good place to start. Most of the girls are about 12 and are quite open to talking which is always helpful.

The youth in the church are very different. They are quiet and tame compared to the youth at the drop in. I'm not saying this is a bad thing because it means that I'll be able to start stuff up with them easier and they seem open to talk about anything that I'll talk to them about. I can't wait to work with the girls in the church and find out more about them.

At the minute everything is about relationship building and looking about the place, finding our way around Monkstown. We're going to join a gym here to try and get back into shape, well I have to get back into shape anyway as I seemed to go up a jean size in Romania somehow.

In other news, life without braces is amazing. I feel like I can smile without feeling like my mouth might be ripped out by the metal that was jagging into my cheeks and holding my teeth in an unnatural position until they rooted in that position. Plus its nice to have a clean white smile without purple rubber and silver metal in the way of my teeth.

That's all that's been happening so adios!

Charlotte x